It is a bit personal for me to look at her and see no reflection of myself. Okay, so I am a bit self-centered in that remark. Are you surprised? But I have struggled with this since she was 9 months old while she was still bald and showing only glimmers of blonde hair on her cherub head. Seeing those cheekbones and endless eyelashes. Right down to the dimple placed in her chin, just like Daddy's. Which she is very fond of, as most of her drawings depict persons with a dot on their chin.
But as Mark has been born, and Hannah has continued with her schoolwork, I have come to realize the importance of the time I spend alone with her social and eager spirit. She wants attention more than our other children, and her ability to talk rivals my own. But it is in these very ways that she learns, and finds her love for others and herself.
I learned this as Paul and I decided to spend one-on-one time, on a date per se, with Hannah and Sara Kate. Sara Kate and I have went to Braum's to eat ice cream, and though sometimes it has proven challenging by the time we have gotten home, with her antics and manuevers of the heart (to put it lightly). But she is always aware of that time together. As she turns to me after our evening together to say, "Mommy I loved my date with you." Or other times when she has asked me to lay in her bed at night, so we can "talk like at Braum's." Well if that doesn't steal a heart I don't know what does. Or on a Sunday afternoon after church, when she asks to lay in my bed and talk about the movie Hulk, which she fears above all other movies. But yet she is comfortable in our time together to talk about this fear. (Though I am often the first one to fall asleep during our Sunday naps. This last time she began to sing to me as I fell asleep and then kissed me on my forehead before saying 'good night.') Even now, she will sigh and say, "Mommy can we go on a date?"So it seems unknowingly, and yet divinely, it has become our tradition when she wants to talk "like at Braum's" or about Hulk that she and I are finding our time. Our own special time. And it is this moments that prove to be the quiet reflection I seek, that she is My child. Really. Truly. My child.
2 comments:
I need to do Mommy dates too! Thanks for the reminder, the older kids are getting the back seat with a 2 year old and a 2 month old around!
I think I know what you mean by "she is trully mine" and longing for that and clinging to anything that provides it.
I have the same with my middle one and he doesn't look much like me (as the other two do). I have times when I just stare at him and try to connect. I can eventually find our bond most of the time. But he's also very shy and if I catch him off guard he doesn't respond the same. I cherish every connection we have. Homeschooling helps. I can't imagine how it would be if he were gone to school all day and I missed the moments of bonding I'm blessed with. He's so hungry for it too and always asks for special dates. I panic inside when I have to turn him down, like he's going to slip away.
You're not alone Aja. It's nice to know I'm not either. I feel guilt sometimes and wonder why things are different with him. I'm beginning to understand it somewhat...especially after reading your blog. Most of it has to do with me. He's so precious.
It's late and he's in bed, but I just want to go wake him up and hold him now(something he actually lets me do these days). Oh my heart!
~Melissa H.
P.S. Boy is Mark a super cutie!
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